What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 14:53
My life is so biszare .
I write beautiful poetry .
We all went to grammer schools
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why don't I get sleep at nights?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I said to her
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
What is the dirtiest thing you have witnessed your wife do?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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I will be 64.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I never cut or harmed myself..
She wouldn,t have been !
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Why is there so much hate against black people?
My family never makes their pension either.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I waited trembling.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Who then, do I blame.?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
What did i know ?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She was in good health!
All the time i was locked up.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I don,t even have a pension.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We were not on the streets..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im still living with it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
So, i spoilt her more .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She loved him until the end.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was scared of men, in general
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She found it foreign!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So whats the point in blame.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was 9 years of age.
But it wasn’t much.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Would this be the day?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I have no regrets .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I think the readers, may guess!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One cannot live in the past .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Comes on , in middle age.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But ive been too sick for many years..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Put me off passion for life!!
I was seconnd youngest,
I could never make a relationship work though!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He resisted the act ,that day.
When she asked me how she looked .
She married twice! .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As i do to all so called friends.?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But, we were locked up after school.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I couldn’t, believe it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Was to survive, this bastard.
This is soul school!.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It was going to be , some day.
I was very sick at this time too.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And i lived it daily.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He knew the spot.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
(And it was in our own minds.)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Ive learnt so much.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.